It changes your life. Ironic wording.
It’s with me from the moment I wake, until the moment I fall asleep. I search for the moments in between those two points, when I can breathe, pretend all is well, and have some fun, laugh with loved ones, do a drawing.
A negative prognosis, no matter how far out it is, becomes a part of you. Once that knowledge is in there, it makes itself known every neon chance it can. It doesn’t give you a break.
It seems YOU have to give it a break. It takes me a lot to push that ever-present factoid out of my mind for just a little while. At times I plead with that illusionary higher power, to give me a rest from knowing my future or lack of. It’s exhausting at times. It is a burden I can’t put down.
She was right, Kubler-Ross. The stages are real. More real than you might imagine. If someone asked me where I felt I was at, I’d have to think hard, because I know I’ve hit the denial, anger, bargaining steps. I’ve walked those cliff edges. They come in order for a reason.
I realize now, that the Depression stage has more of a soft flood through the whole journey. It doesn’t seem to be a stage you enter aware you are. Sometimes it’s really hard to tell what is depression and what is ammonia. It’s ALL a learning experience, that’s for sure. And despite the saddness or negativity of it, life takes on a familiarity of activities, conversations, events, that have caused me even deeper gratitude for what is in my life currently. Not what is ahead. I may have no “ahead” left. I work hard to stay in the now. To avoid negatives (although I’m a news junkie). To feel as good as I can feel in the moment.
Life holds no promises.
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